A letter from Doug and Elaine Baker in Northern Ireland
March 2010
Dear Friends,
As a trainer you always hope that the material you are delivering will be relevant to your listeners, but to actually witness its relevance unfolding in their lives is a rare moment of grace for which we can only thank God. Such was my privilege and feeling after leading a workshop on “Opening Up Difficult Conversations”: at a recent very large Church of Scotland Conference.
Church Leaders in Northern Ireland engaging in dialogue session where listening for understanding is more important than scoring points in debate.
I had delivered the same workshop to three other groups on the two previous days. This was the final group of forty and my mind was already beginning to focus on the journey home. We had talked about why we find dealing with those who disagree with us difficult and about why finding ways to engage in dialogue for understanding rather than scoring points in debate is critical. I spent quite a bit of time sharing how my experience in Northern Ireland had taught me time and again that spending time bonding — getting to know each other as people first and what we might have in common — is important prior to beginning discussions on topics about which we might disagree strongly. I pointed out that, if we don’t do that first, we can too easily react to each other simply as adversaries, write each other off and not be motivated to find some agreement or some way of disagreeing but not falling out with each other. Then we went on to experience some specific models for having healthy group conversations about potentially divisive topics. I think I finished with one of my favorite images of the church — place where we can disagree and hold hands at the same time.
The group had been enthusiastic and appreciative, but I was relieved to be finished. As they filed out I packed up my materials and then followed them down the stairs to the foyer. Halfway down I found one of the Church’s well-known leaders leaning up against the wall as if winded. She greeted me and said, “Doug, you won’t believe what just happened.” She went on to explain that as soon as the session ended, a man came over to her and said he had been on the Nominating Committee when their General Assembly was choosing who should be part of a special commission to decide how to handle a particularly hot issue in the church. He then told her that when her name had been suggested, he had opposed it because, although he had never met her personally, he felt he knew what line she would take, and it wouldn’t be what he wanted. He then went on to say, “And now I want to apologise for that. That was wrong for me to do.”
I asked if she knew who he was and she said, “No. I don’t think I have ever seen him before. In fact, I was so surprised by his comment that I didn’t even ask him his name, but I’m going to go look for him now and tell him how much I appreciate his comments.”
Immediately after lunch I ran into her again and she told me she had found him. When he told her his name, she had apparently said, “That's an unusual surname,” to which he replied, “Yes, its German.” She then looked at him and said “So is mine!” Apparently they both smiled and said, “So, we do have something in common!”
I give thanks for how God often uses our efforts in ways we never would have imagined. I give thanks for moments of grace which provide encouragement to us to keep on with the task, whatever it is, when our minds have turned toward the homeward journey and putting our feet up. At times my role as a mission co-worker and as regional liaison and as young adult volunteer coordinator can leave me feeling like a plate spinner. However, I give thanks for the privilege of touching and being touched by so many different people’s lives in the places and situations those roles bring me. I also give thanks for individuals like you and congregations like yours who by your giving make it possible for Elaine and me to engage in this ministry and who by your prayers help to sustain us.
Faithfully yours,
Doug Baker
The 2010 Mission Yearbook for Prayer & Study, p. 190
